Hello Class. My name is Dr. EIT and I’m here to teach you a course on “How to royally piss off your interviewer and ensure you don’t get the job” also known as “Interview Failing 101.” Your goal in this course is to learn exactly what to do to basically guarantee that you leave the interview without a shot at the job. Let’s review the syllabus.
Interview Failing 101 Syllabus
1. ‘Sup Bro
For the first few weeks, we’re going to be looking at unprofessional slang language. One of the best ways to guarantee that you completely blow the interview is to use any type of slang that makes you sound like an uneducated thug.
2. Holy Wow, Shut Up Already
During weeks 3 through 5, we will go over how to keep talking until the interviewer wants nothing more than to staple your mouth shut with a really, really painful staple gun.
3. … And?
Week 6 will be dedicated primarily to the opposite of weeks 3 through 5. We will look at how to not give a complete answer so that your interviewer has to force you to elaborate or move on to the next question unfilled. (Hint: Answering what should be a long answer with a single word is sure to help you blow your interview).
4. Repulsion: By Kalvin Clein
Next we’ll take a look at harsh fragrances. A powerful, all-encompassing smell like that of cheap aftershave or bathing in expensive perfumes is a great way to throw the interviewer off their game by making their nose hairs burn to the root.
5. Bzzzz Bzzzzz…
During week 9, we’ll give you a rundown on how to make sure that the interviewer can hear that your phone is ringing, even when the ringtone is technically on silent. Fun fact! If you put your vibrating phone next to your keys, it will make a light jingle sound as though your ringtone was not actually turned off!
6. Damn, She Fly…
Interviewers like to make eye contact. To successfully piss off your interviewer, you should not give it to them. Look at whatever else you can. Roll your eyes constantly and look outside. Or, if they happen to hire an attractive staff member, make sure to ogle them openly. Drooling helps really sell it.
7. I Landed on the Moon
During the last week before finals, we’ll go over how to get caught in a lie. Nothing pisses an interviewer off more than lying, including a small, unimportant lie. If the interviewer is given a single reason not to trust you, then they will worry that everything you say is BS.
For extra credit, I’ll offer a 3 hour seminar on “Bad Answers: Clichés? More like Clishoulds!” where we will discuss how to give a non-answer to an interview question and how to make sure your answer makes no sense at all because you are winging it on the fly.
By the time the course is over, you should leave class with a great understanding of how to piss off your interviewer and ensure that you never find employment, ever. A+ students of this course go on to do such things as mooching off their parents until they’re 60 or holding signs about beer in order to talk college students into giving them spare change, so as you can see there is a lot of motivation behind taking this class seriously. That’s all for today. I’ll see you all tomorrow.
Take Away Interview Tips
- Don’t do anything above, it was satire.
- It’s probably not a good idea to piss off your interviewer.
- Seriously, don’t piss off your interviewer.